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I am not angry.
I am not overcome with rage
I am not feeling hatred.
My whole body, the warm irritation in my eyes, to the numbness of my toes. The stale taste of nicotine wrapping around the suffocating knot in my throat.
I can feel the unsteady twisting and gurgling in my lower abdomen.
The weight of the world sinking my heart down in the pit of my stomach.
I can feel it, the feeling as if a small being was pacing back in forth in my brain.
I can feel it. It isnt sadness, no.
You may know this feeling. You may have family members, or friends that suffer from it.
Its not the... tears today and smiles tomorrow.
Its not the temporary pain you may feel in bittersweet moments. No.
Its waking up, disappointed that your heart is still beating when youve prayed, or begged to whoever maybe listening for it to stop.
Its the pressure of your demons and thoughts pushing you so hard into the ground, with sharp talons digging into your shoulder blades.
Its the "nothing at all." The numbness that somehow seems to come in rippling waves several times through out the day, holding your head in one place and losing focus, your brain feeling as if its completely erased the concept of time.
Depression is going home after a long day of forcing yourself to be a normal part of society, stripping off all your clothes along with that disguise and climbing into the shower.
Not even waiting or checking the temperature, you climb in. You press your hands to the wall of that shower and let that blazing hot or soul shattering cold water push your head down, because you dont have the will to hold it up anymore.
Its feeling every ounce of energy escape with the water that drips from your face down into the drain.
Its falling to that porcelain floor that allows you to break. Every single bad thing thats ever happened to you comes out with bared teeth. Its the screaming and pounding in your chest and the expanding of your ribs as you could almost swear they were cracking. high low asymmetrical wedding selections
Its the long, silent, body shaking cries that leave you gasping for air that seems polluted.
Then the word no one wants to talk about.
Its the "oh, they dont have the guts to do it."
Its the "they dont have access to the things they need to get the job done."
Its the twisting and tying of bed sheets around your door into a head shaped hole. Its the jumping off a kitchen chair and the cold tile that smacks your face when youve realized you failed.
Its the immediate guilt and wave of selfishness that takes over from there.
The constant
"Whats wrong with me"
"Why am i like this".
Its the fucking agonizing ability to grow unbearable attachment to those who show you any kind of attention, or short pitter patters of love.
Its the heart wrenching feeling of betrayal of constant arguing in your head.
Its the feeling of having to talk yourself out of giving up each and every single day of your life and the cycle never ends.
Its depression and its real.
Battles cant always be won.
Some arent worth winning.
Im telling you all i love you.
Thank you to every single person who has ever helped me in any sort of way possible.
And thank you to anyone who has ever allowed me to be apart of their life.
Also, and apology to anyone that ive ever hurt, and anyone ive ever made angry with me. As it was not my intention.
Please understand that i may not be responding to messages. Please do not hold it against me.
I have no grudges in my heart.